Goodbyes are never easy

In just about 6 weeks in will be leaving for Kiev. I am not close to being ready to go. I have been laying around nursing a broken back since July 2nd. This week was a bad week as far as being painful. There were doctor/lawyer appointments everyday but Thursday. I had a little party on Thursday for a family that have been close to Chuck and me since they moved here 9 years ago. They came from Oregon with 3 kids and left with 7. We had a 7th birthday party for Samanthia on Thursday and a going away party for the whole family. I didn't want to say goodbye to them. It seems that everything is changing so rapidly these last 5 months. So many of our friends have moved away. The friendscape looks so different now than it did when Chuck was still alive. It would seem to be almost unbearable if I wasn't leaving too. I would feel a lot sadder that the Tates were leaving for the northwest if I was going to be here without them. I got to read to the little ones once more thursday night before they left. Thanks you guys for letting me be your grandma for those years.
So I have about 6 weeks before I leave. It's a whole new chapter for a lot of people these days.

Big Changes -- i've been wrong

It could be that i need to see a therapist.  I am depressed.  I am angry that Chuck died and left me with a pile of papers i don't know what to do with.  I miss my friend and companion so much it is unbearable.  Every morning i wake up a look on the other side of the bed to see lf he's up yet or awake yet.  Then i remember he is gone.  He's never coming back.  I can wish for him and cry for him every morning but it won't bring him back.  I have fewer tears.  I feel like sometimes i want to cry and i can't.  Then i start crying when i have to tell people or i have to circle widow on the doctors forms.  I feel anger when i see couples together or i hear about what they are doing.  Just being a single omits me from groups now.  I'm the odd one.  I hate having to pay for my own meal. 
I can't think about what we would be doing this year for our anniversery.  Its 41 years tomorrow.  Last  year we were in the hospital and we knew that he would probably not make it to our 41st.
It's hard to go out by myself. 
Chuck knew the real me and still loved me.  I was comfortable w him.  He loved me and his gentle way was calming to me.  I don't have a champion anymore.  Nobody to take up for me, or protect me or solve the big little problems.  They were little when all i had to do was ask him to fix it, now they are big bec i can't do it and there is nobody to come to my aid.
I get energized when i think about going to Kiev.  It is an exciting prospect.  It will be fun and busy.  I will be working so hard and then there will be oportunities to visit w my old friends again.  Also chances to visit friends in Sochi, Russia.  Just a 30hr train ride from Kiev.  Then i can visit the Brown's in Prague.  and friends in England.  I was used to getting on w/o Chuck when i was in Russia or Ukraine so there won't be constant reminders of Chuck everywhere i go.
Well, there will ne changes on the way.

What Faith is to me now

Faith.  It is an idea that is hard to grasp at first.  Then i got it and the heavy weight of everyday cares are lifted off my shoulders.  Then a crisis occurs and i have to rethink what is it all about?  I don't feel it.  The pat answers that i used to give to others and the pat answers that others have given to me don't actually fit right now.  What do i do about all these different feelings?
I used to tell people and have been told that i am not alone.  I feel alone.  God has His arms around you and He loves you.  I don't feel them around me.  
What do i know about God?  I know that He never changes.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  Then God is the God i know Him to be when i was nearest to Him.   When i was nearest to Him i felt Him near and felt His protection.  I know that i cant feel His embrace and i cant hide my face in His chest and weep over the loss of my husband, but i know that He is near because He shows me He is near.  Today in the car i almost hit another car.  i don't know how i didnt hit it,but it was a signal from God to me that He is near.
It was as if He was saying, "Jean, see how My protection is still with you?  You aren't going unnoticed in this time when you feel unnoticed.  I am still the God that has taken you as my child and i care for you.  You can never leave My presence.  You are my child forever and there is nothing that you can do or think that is a surprise to Me.  You can never do anything that will cause Me to move away from your side."
My friends may be surprised at my attitude at times and it may cause them to desert me, but what i know of God in the best of times is that He will never desert me.  So if i have no friends on this earth, i have the King of the Universe as my friend and Father.
Keep the faith... remember the God you know Him to be in the good times; He is still that same God in the bad times.  In the times when your spouse and best friend, the one that i looked to for help, he is gone.  The people that declared to be my friends through out this difficult time have left me at the first sign of my raw, uncensored distress.  I am sorry that they had to see me in the midst of my profound pain, but at least it showed me that none of us are perfected here on earth.  We must forgive and move on.  I ask for forgiveness and i forgive them.
Faith is the evidence of things not seen.  I dont see God but i see the things He is doing for me.
In the mean time i continue to plan to go to Kiev in Sept.  I feel a bit overwhelmed at all the things i need to get and then get them mailed so they will be there when i get there.  I wait to have an address to mail my boxes.  A lot has to happen before i can leave.  But it is exciting, because Chuck has known that this was something that i really have wanted to do since 1994.  He gave me his blessing to do it and i know that this is something that God wants me to do.  It is in His plan for my life.

This is Chuck in 2002 when he was a working fireman and healthy.

Blessed be the name of the Lord

The last week has been difficult!  In part to something that happened that hurt so deeply i can't talk about it.  But i got home late last Weddnesday, i think.  The days run togther like raindrops on a window paine.  Since i've been home i have spoken to 3 people.  My good friend Debbie listened to me cry on the phone.  She just listened.  Then she came over and brought supper and we watched movies and then we did something i can't commit to print! (not really as bad as it sounds) Our friends the cabinetmaker and his wife came by for a visit today.  They brought some exotic fruit i had never had.  It were good.  And Khan patched a hole in the wall for me.  They are good friends.
I've been wandering through the house seeing things that have memories and crying.  My Chuck Museum.  I haven't felt like reading Gods Word or praying.  I couldn't sleep last night for the pain and i pleaded w God to speak to me.  I got out my 31 Days of Praise book and read and prayed for myself.  God please speak to me!  Then my phone signaled that i had a text message.  It was from someone that moved away.   This distant friend sent me words of encouragement.  How did they know i was at my most desperate time?
I had been feeling alone and abandoned by everyone.  I am still lost when it comes to what to do with the bills and the tax Return still needs doing.  I did a few calls today and got a few things done.
I said i would write about my plans (Gods plan) to spend 6 or so months in Kiev, Ukraine.  I leave Sept 21 and will meet up with our missionaries, The Elsingers< in Amsterdam, the we will go together to Kiev.  I will be working with a Parish Nurse from the EFCA (Evangelical Free Church of America).  Her name is Pam.  It will be a busy time but it will be rewarding.  It will help me get my mind off Chuck.  When i was there he wasn't, so i want be looking for him or asking his help, because i didn't when i was there before.  He knows that was my plan when he died and he was ok with it.
My main prayer request is that i will be there to gloryify God in all that i do.  I need prayer that i will develope my relationship with Him the way it once was.  I also need prayer for my health.  That i will be able to keep up the pace.  God has done that for me before.  I claim 2 Cor 12:8-11.  His grace is sufficent for me because His power is made perfect in my weakness.

Travels of jean alone

I have been on the road for a couple of weeks. It has been hard in many ways. No matter where I go Chuck isn't there waiting for me. I see the beautiful flowers in bloom. All the flowers he loved; the trillium and the mountain laurel, the jack in the pulpit and lady slippers. I saw the biggest natural display of lady slippers I've ever seen and I wanted to take a picture of it so I could send it to Chuck. Then I realized that he is seeing things that are so much more beautiful than anything here. How wonderful it must be!
I have been able to share my copy of Chucks Memorial service with people and it has been good to be able to listen to it again. As painful as it all has been I need to share the last days before his going with others.
There are simple things that will throw me into days of depression. Fortunately I am with people that understand and let me alone or make me do things. I don't know what is the better thing to do. So this time nothing has worked. I was at a party last night. It was for these old people that were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. It was impossible for me to not get all teared up and I would get up and walk away or just try to think of other things so that I wasn't thinking about what if we had made it to our 50th? Our 41st is coming up. When do you quit counting them? I still feel married to him.
So I guess that is why I keep looking for him or thinking of calling him or sending him pictures on the email.
When I say Chuck also like that or Chuck loved taking pictures of flowers or Chuck loved those flowers. People don't care so much. At least those that didn't know him so well. And a lot of folks just don't want to encourage my wallowing in self pity. But that is my favorite place to be sometimes.
So I am driving alone to some of the shrines that once were ours. Some too painful to go to and some just too far. And there are things that I need to get done at home (not really home anymore)...

Leave your cares and worry behind you

I left town on Friday and drove to sumter sc to visit friends. I stayed till Monday morning then drove up to NC to visit friends and Ramey. I will probably leave here headed to Virginia on Sunday morning. That will be the longest drive yet for me. It is really bothering my swollen knees. The pain is excruciating by the time I get where I am going. They swell so bad that I had to get shorts to wear because my jeans. Were so tight around my knees. I have nothing I could take for the pain.
It is very profoundly sad to be here. Chuck always wanted to come up when the mountaian laurel were in bloom. They are beautiful now. I took some pics of them today but Chuck won't see them. I still have a problem remembering he is gone for good. Oh, that is hard to see in print. He is never far from my thoughts. In fact, a more accurate saying would be he is never out of my thoughts. I still dont like to refer to him in the past tense.
I know what he would say and talk about in situations that I find myself. He was a wonderful man, husband and friend and I think father.

Being a Widow

When someone dies the government keeps you busy with calls to be made and forms to fill out and people to see.  in my situation my husband has died.  He was the one that always took care of these thing when our parents died and never let on that there was anything to it.  I have faithful friends that are helping me through the  worse of it.  Thank God for His Church that is commanded to look out for widows and orphans. 
Each time you have to call or see someone for the first time after the death of your spouse is terrible.  Each time you have to say that "He is dead"   or "he died"  it sticks in you throat and tears start to flow.  You brace yourself for their reply.  It doesn't get easier;  at least not yet.
When i was in the hosptial the nurses knew i was a new widow but they were harsh and unsympathetic
to me and my pain.  I had one nurse that took the time to sit with me and let me tell her about Chuck.  I very much appriciated her doing that.  It helped me a great deal to be able to talk about him.  But i never knew when somone would come into my room and find me crying.  So i try to think other things to get my mind off my sorrows.  But it was so hard to do that.  When i was in the hospital before he got sick i would look forward to his coming.  He would give me a bath and wash my hair.  He was so gental and kind.

Please see today's entry posted by accident in travels of Chuck & Jean.

The Museum

I have been having trouble learning to use this iPad. I have also been in the hospital again.
I just haven,t been feeling good this last week, but at least I am home now.
Well, while in the hospital I had to make a decision about if I was going to actually purchase the ticket to Kiev. I did take the leap and purchased a one way ticket to go September 21. I will hook up w the Elsingers in Amsterdam and we will fly from there to Kiev together. I am looking for a place to stay.Things don't necessarily seem to be going the way I Thought it would, but I must go to find out if I can be of some use to the spreading of the gospel.
Now, my feelings about my new position in life. It doesn't take much to cause. Me to cry. Just seeing the "zoo".car that Chuck loved so well. The other day when Ramey came to get me and I first saw the car my heart skipped a beat, and I wwas so hoping that he was there to pick me up. When I found out about the damage done to Chucks brothers place up in TN, I immediately wanted to call Chuck and tell him.
I want to leave thsis house just the way it is as a museum of our lives together. I don't want to change anything.. Just sort of keep it for me to walk back into whenever I want to wallow in my loneliness.
It's late. I will try to go to sleep.

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans!

Guess where i am. If you said North Carolina, you would be way wrong. I am spending my 4th day in the hospital with bilateral pneumonia, having been admitted on Monday...my birthday. Today was a bad day. I slept all day. In the early morning I had another fever of 102.6. I hurt so bad. I finally went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning, I was so sleepy I could not keep my eyes open and my speech was slurred. They gave me so many drugs like last time. I woke at 5:30 this morning crying because I did not have Chuck. The nurse came in and sat with me and asked me to talk about my husband. She stayed until I stopped shivering. I felt bad about keeping her but she said she did not mind and would check in on me later.  She also told me the nurses like me, even though I did not think they do. It was so nice of her to sit with me. She even said she would like to have me again tonight. By the way, this post was ghost written by Debbie Jones, who took some liberties with my dictation!

Easter eve

The service today was wonderful! My friends Khon & Jay came.  They are our friends from Thiland.  Khon is a woodworker and he did the entertainment center that Chuck had planned to make but knew he couldn't.  Khon is a great woodworker and he and Chuck really had a lot to talk about.  They became friends immediately!  Then he brought his wife Jay over and we did ESOL together.  She is a nurse in Thiland and needs to learn the language in order to work as a nurse here.  Those of you from Eastside go by to visit her at the Sala Thi Resturant accross from Sams on Beach Blvd.  They say they will come back next Sunday.  I will be gone so make them feel at home if you see them!
The entire service today i kept thinking about what was going on in Heaven.  It must be wonderful.  There is no need for an Evangelical service in Heaven because we will all know the wonder of the resurrection when we get to heaven.  I hope and pray that Khon & Jay will be there!  During the service i was showing Khon the differerant referances and when we got to Gal 2:20 he just bent over the Bible and was reading it.  Someone give him a Bible next week.
I will be gone for a while so God bless you all and i will write along the way.

Don't cry

Today i had to do some bills that couldn't wait.  The hospital called and left a message that they had sent a second bill and it needed to be paid.  I know they will have to close down w/o my check of $168.  Maybe they will get it before they have to close the doors.  I'm also looking to buy a new computer as mine doesn't want to charge.  It has been to the Dorks twice now. 
I realized i would not need to be doing any of this if Chuck were here.  It just comes out of nowhere; that all off a sudden realization that you are alone.  Ramey is doing his best to help me.  It has nothing to do w that.  It's just a sudden shapeness and then you can't see clearly out of you teary eyes.  and you think to yourself  "Don't cry, don't cry.  Don't let them see you crying yet agan"
I went to the new doctor Tuesday.  It was the Nurse Practioner.  She said, "Oh yeah, I remember you.  You had to leave because your husband was sick last time."  I held my breath and braced myself for what i knew was coming.  "So how is he?"  I have to say out loud something i have only had to say a few times if at all, now!  "He died."  and i'm thinking "don't cry, don't cry"  ...  Now i look at what i just wrote and it is another first - to see it in writing. 
Well, i am going on an adventure tomorrow.

Wednesday April 13, 2011

I am finding the days a little hard to get through.  Life w/o Chuck has roadblocks all around.  When my mom died it was hard, but Chuck was here to comfort me.  He continued to do the things that he did and i could do what i normally did because i didn't live with my mom.  When the realization came to me that she was gone, i could always turn to Chuck and cry and he would put his big capable arms around me and i could bury my face in his chest and smell his smell and it was comforting to me.  Now there is no one to physically go to.  I need to learn to rely on God more and consentrate on feeling His mighty presence around me.