It could be that i need to see a therapist. I am depressed. I am angry that Chuck died and left me with a pile of papers i don't know what to do with. I miss my friend and companion so much it is unbearable. Every morning i wake up a look on the other side of the bed to see lf he's up yet or awake yet. Then i remember he is gone. He's never coming back. I can wish for him and cry for him every morning but it won't bring him back. I have fewer tears. I feel like sometimes i want to cry and i can't. Then i start crying when i have to tell people or i have to circle widow on the doctors forms. I feel anger when i see couples together or i hear about what they are doing. Just being a single omits me from groups now. I'm the odd one. I hate having to pay for my own meal.
I can't think about what we would be doing this year for our anniversery. Its 41 years tomorrow. Last year we were in the hospital and we knew that he would probably not make it to our 41st.
It's hard to go out by myself.
Chuck knew the real me and still loved me. I was comfortable w him. He loved me and his gentle way was calming to me. I don't have a champion anymore. Nobody to take up for me, or protect me or solve the big little problems. They were little when all i had to do was ask him to fix it, now they are big bec i can't do it and there is nobody to come to my aid.
I get energized when i think about going to Kiev. It is an exciting prospect. It will be fun and busy. I will be working so hard and then there will be oportunities to visit w my old friends again. Also chances to visit friends in Sochi, Russia. Just a 30hr train ride from Kiev. Then i can visit the Brown's in Prague. and friends in England. I was used to getting on w/o Chuck when i was in Russia or Ukraine so there won't be constant reminders of Chuck everywhere i go.
Well, there will ne changes on the way.
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