Faith. It is an idea that is hard to grasp at first. Then i got it and the heavy weight of everyday cares are lifted off my shoulders. Then a crisis occurs and i have to rethink what is it all about? I don't feel it. The pat answers that i used to give to others and the pat answers that others have given to me don't actually fit right now. What do i do about all these different feelings?
I used to tell people and have been told that i am not alone. I feel alone. God has His arms around you and He loves you. I don't feel them around me.
What do i know about God? I know that He never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Then God is the God i know Him to be when i was nearest to Him. When i was nearest to Him i felt Him near and felt His protection. I know that i cant feel His embrace and i cant hide my face in His chest and weep over the loss of my husband, but i know that He is near because He shows me He is near. Today in the car i almost hit another car. i don't know how i didnt hit it,but it was a signal from God to me that He is near.
It was as if He was saying, "Jean, see how My protection is still with you? You aren't going unnoticed in this time when you feel unnoticed. I am still the God that has taken you as my child and i care for you. You can never leave My presence. You are my child forever and there is nothing that you can do or think that is a surprise to Me. You can never do anything that will cause Me to move away from your side."
My friends may be surprised at my attitude at times and it may cause them to desert me, but what i know of God in the best of times is that He will never desert me. So if i have no friends on this earth, i have the King of the Universe as my friend and Father.
Keep the faith... remember the God you know Him to be in the good times; He is still that same God in the bad times. In the times when your spouse and best friend, the one that i looked to for help, he is gone. The people that declared to be my friends through out this difficult time have left me at the first sign of my raw, uncensored distress. I am sorry that they had to see me in the midst of my profound pain, but at least it showed me that none of us are perfected here on earth. We must forgive and move on. I ask for forgiveness and i forgive them.
Faith is the evidence of things not seen. I dont see God but i see the things He is doing for me.
In the mean time i continue to plan to go to Kiev in Sept. I feel a bit overwhelmed at all the things i need to get and then get them mailed so they will be there when i get there. I wait to have an address to mail my boxes. A lot has to happen before i can leave. But it is exciting, because Chuck has known that this was something that i really have wanted to do since 1994. He gave me his blessing to do it and i know that this is something that God wants me to do. It is in His plan for my life.
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