In just about 6 weeks in will be leaving for Kiev. I am not close to being ready to go. I have been laying around nursing a broken back since July 2nd. This week was a bad week as far as being painful. There were doctor/lawyer appointments everyday but Thursday. I had a little party on Thursday for a family that have been close to Chuck and me since they moved here 9 years ago. They came from Oregon with 3 kids and left with 7. We had a 7th birthday party for Samanthia on Thursday and a going away party for the whole family. I didn't want to say goodbye to them. It seems that everything is changing so rapidly these last 5 months. So many of our friends have moved away. The friendscape looks so different now than it did when Chuck was still alive. It would seem to be almost unbearable if I wasn't leaving too. I would feel a lot sadder that the Tates were leaving for the northwest if I was going to be here without them. I got to read to the little ones once more thursday night before they left. Thanks you guys for letting me be your grandma for those years.
So I have about 6 weeks before I leave. It's a whole new chapter for a lot of people these days.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Big Changes -- i've been wrong
It could be that i need to see a therapist. I am depressed. I am angry that Chuck died and left me with a pile of papers i don't know what to do with. I miss my friend and companion so much it is unbearable. Every morning i wake up a look on the other side of the bed to see lf he's up yet or awake yet. Then i remember he is gone. He's never coming back. I can wish for him and cry for him every morning but it won't bring him back. I have fewer tears. I feel like sometimes i want to cry and i can't. Then i start crying when i have to tell people or i have to circle widow on the doctors forms. I feel anger when i see couples together or i hear about what they are doing. Just being a single omits me from groups now. I'm the odd one. I hate having to pay for my own meal.
I can't think about what we would be doing this year for our anniversery. Its 41 years tomorrow. Last year we were in the hospital and we knew that he would probably not make it to our 41st.
It's hard to go out by myself.
Chuck knew the real me and still loved me. I was comfortable w him. He loved me and his gentle way was calming to me. I don't have a champion anymore. Nobody to take up for me, or protect me or solve the big little problems. They were little when all i had to do was ask him to fix it, now they are big bec i can't do it and there is nobody to come to my aid.
I get energized when i think about going to Kiev. It is an exciting prospect. It will be fun and busy. I will be working so hard and then there will be oportunities to visit w my old friends again. Also chances to visit friends in Sochi, Russia. Just a 30hr train ride from Kiev. Then i can visit the Brown's in Prague. and friends in England. I was used to getting on w/o Chuck when i was in Russia or Ukraine so there won't be constant reminders of Chuck everywhere i go.
Well, there will ne changes on the way.
I can't think about what we would be doing this year for our anniversery. Its 41 years tomorrow. Last year we were in the hospital and we knew that he would probably not make it to our 41st.
It's hard to go out by myself.
Chuck knew the real me and still loved me. I was comfortable w him. He loved me and his gentle way was calming to me. I don't have a champion anymore. Nobody to take up for me, or protect me or solve the big little problems. They were little when all i had to do was ask him to fix it, now they are big bec i can't do it and there is nobody to come to my aid.
I get energized when i think about going to Kiev. It is an exciting prospect. It will be fun and busy. I will be working so hard and then there will be oportunities to visit w my old friends again. Also chances to visit friends in Sochi, Russia. Just a 30hr train ride from Kiev. Then i can visit the Brown's in Prague. and friends in England. I was used to getting on w/o Chuck when i was in Russia or Ukraine so there won't be constant reminders of Chuck everywhere i go.
Well, there will ne changes on the way.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
What Faith is to me now
Faith. It is an idea that is hard to grasp at first. Then i got it and the heavy weight of everyday cares are lifted off my shoulders. Then a crisis occurs and i have to rethink what is it all about? I don't feel it. The pat answers that i used to give to others and the pat answers that others have given to me don't actually fit right now. What do i do about all these different feelings?
I used to tell people and have been told that i am not alone. I feel alone. God has His arms around you and He loves you. I don't feel them around me.
What do i know about God? I know that He never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Then God is the God i know Him to be when i was nearest to Him. When i was nearest to Him i felt Him near and felt His protection. I know that i cant feel His embrace and i cant hide my face in His chest and weep over the loss of my husband, but i know that He is near because He shows me He is near. Today in the car i almost hit another car. i don't know how i didnt hit it,but it was a signal from God to me that He is near.
It was as if He was saying, "Jean, see how My protection is still with you? You aren't going unnoticed in this time when you feel unnoticed. I am still the God that has taken you as my child and i care for you. You can never leave My presence. You are my child forever and there is nothing that you can do or think that is a surprise to Me. You can never do anything that will cause Me to move away from your side."
My friends may be surprised at my attitude at times and it may cause them to desert me, but what i know of God in the best of times is that He will never desert me. So if i have no friends on this earth, i have the King of the Universe as my friend and Father.
Keep the faith... remember the God you know Him to be in the good times; He is still that same God in the bad times. In the times when your spouse and best friend, the one that i looked to for help, he is gone. The people that declared to be my friends through out this difficult time have left me at the first sign of my raw, uncensored distress. I am sorry that they had to see me in the midst of my profound pain, but at least it showed me that none of us are perfected here on earth. We must forgive and move on. I ask for forgiveness and i forgive them.
Faith is the evidence of things not seen. I dont see God but i see the things He is doing for me.
In the mean time i continue to plan to go to Kiev in Sept. I feel a bit overwhelmed at all the things i need to get and then get them mailed so they will be there when i get there. I wait to have an address to mail my boxes. A lot has to happen before i can leave. But it is exciting, because Chuck has known that this was something that i really have wanted to do since 1994. He gave me his blessing to do it and i know that this is something that God wants me to do. It is in His plan for my life.
I used to tell people and have been told that i am not alone. I feel alone. God has His arms around you and He loves you. I don't feel them around me.
What do i know about God? I know that He never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Then God is the God i know Him to be when i was nearest to Him. When i was nearest to Him i felt Him near and felt His protection. I know that i cant feel His embrace and i cant hide my face in His chest and weep over the loss of my husband, but i know that He is near because He shows me He is near. Today in the car i almost hit another car. i don't know how i didnt hit it,but it was a signal from God to me that He is near.
It was as if He was saying, "Jean, see how My protection is still with you? You aren't going unnoticed in this time when you feel unnoticed. I am still the God that has taken you as my child and i care for you. You can never leave My presence. You are my child forever and there is nothing that you can do or think that is a surprise to Me. You can never do anything that will cause Me to move away from your side."
My friends may be surprised at my attitude at times and it may cause them to desert me, but what i know of God in the best of times is that He will never desert me. So if i have no friends on this earth, i have the King of the Universe as my friend and Father.
Keep the faith... remember the God you know Him to be in the good times; He is still that same God in the bad times. In the times when your spouse and best friend, the one that i looked to for help, he is gone. The people that declared to be my friends through out this difficult time have left me at the first sign of my raw, uncensored distress. I am sorry that they had to see me in the midst of my profound pain, but at least it showed me that none of us are perfected here on earth. We must forgive and move on. I ask for forgiveness and i forgive them.
Faith is the evidence of things not seen. I dont see God but i see the things He is doing for me.
In the mean time i continue to plan to go to Kiev in Sept. I feel a bit overwhelmed at all the things i need to get and then get them mailed so they will be there when i get there. I wait to have an address to mail my boxes. A lot has to happen before i can leave. But it is exciting, because Chuck has known that this was something that i really have wanted to do since 1994. He gave me his blessing to do it and i know that this is something that God wants me to do. It is in His plan for my life.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Blessed be the name of the Lord
The last week has been difficult! In part to something that happened that hurt so deeply i can't talk about it. But i got home late last Weddnesday, i think. The days run togther like raindrops on a window paine. Since i've been home i have spoken to 3 people. My good friend Debbie listened to me cry on the phone. She just listened. Then she came over and brought supper and we watched movies and then we did something i can't commit to print! (not really as bad as it sounds) Our friends the cabinetmaker and his wife came by for a visit today. They brought some exotic fruit i had never had. It were good. And Khan patched a hole in the wall for me. They are good friends.
I've been wandering through the house seeing things that have memories and crying. My Chuck Museum. I haven't felt like reading Gods Word or praying. I couldn't sleep last night for the pain and i pleaded w God to speak to me. I got out my 31 Days of Praise book and read and prayed for myself. God please speak to me! Then my phone signaled that i had a text message. It was from someone that moved away. This distant friend sent me words of encouragement. How did they know i was at my most desperate time?
I had been feeling alone and abandoned by everyone. I am still lost when it comes to what to do with the bills and the tax Return still needs doing. I did a few calls today and got a few things done.
I said i would write about my plans (Gods plan) to spend 6 or so months in Kiev, Ukraine. I leave Sept 21 and will meet up with our missionaries, The Elsingers< in Amsterdam, the we will go together to Kiev. I will be working with a Parish Nurse from the EFCA (Evangelical Free Church of America). Her name is Pam. It will be a busy time but it will be rewarding. It will help me get my mind off Chuck. When i was there he wasn't, so i want be looking for him or asking his help, because i didn't when i was there before. He knows that was my plan when he died and he was ok with it.
My main prayer request is that i will be there to gloryify God in all that i do. I need prayer that i will develope my relationship with Him the way it once was. I also need prayer for my health. That i will be able to keep up the pace. God has done that for me before. I claim 2 Cor 12:8-11. His grace is sufficent for me because His power is made perfect in my weakness.
I've been wandering through the house seeing things that have memories and crying. My Chuck Museum. I haven't felt like reading Gods Word or praying. I couldn't sleep last night for the pain and i pleaded w God to speak to me. I got out my 31 Days of Praise book and read and prayed for myself. God please speak to me! Then my phone signaled that i had a text message. It was from someone that moved away. This distant friend sent me words of encouragement. How did they know i was at my most desperate time?
I had been feeling alone and abandoned by everyone. I am still lost when it comes to what to do with the bills and the tax Return still needs doing. I did a few calls today and got a few things done.
I said i would write about my plans (Gods plan) to spend 6 or so months in Kiev, Ukraine. I leave Sept 21 and will meet up with our missionaries, The Elsingers< in Amsterdam, the we will go together to Kiev. I will be working with a Parish Nurse from the EFCA (Evangelical Free Church of America). Her name is Pam. It will be a busy time but it will be rewarding. It will help me get my mind off Chuck. When i was there he wasn't, so i want be looking for him or asking his help, because i didn't when i was there before. He knows that was my plan when he died and he was ok with it.
My main prayer request is that i will be there to gloryify God in all that i do. I need prayer that i will develope my relationship with Him the way it once was. I also need prayer for my health. That i will be able to keep up the pace. God has done that for me before. I claim 2 Cor 12:8-11. His grace is sufficent for me because His power is made perfect in my weakness.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Travels of jean alone
I have been on the road for a couple of weeks. It has been hard in many ways. No matter where I go Chuck isn't there waiting for me. I see the beautiful flowers in bloom. All the flowers he loved; the trillium and the mountain laurel, the jack in the pulpit and lady slippers. I saw the biggest natural display of lady slippers I've ever seen and I wanted to take a picture of it so I could send it to Chuck. Then I realized that he is seeing things that are so much more beautiful than anything here. How wonderful it must be!
I have been able to share my copy of Chucks Memorial service with people and it has been good to be able to listen to it again. As painful as it all has been I need to share the last days before his going with others.
There are simple things that will throw me into days of depression. Fortunately I am with people that understand and let me alone or make me do things. I don't know what is the better thing to do. So this time nothing has worked. I was at a party last night. It was for these old people that were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. It was impossible for me to not get all teared up and I would get up and walk away or just try to think of other things so that I wasn't thinking about what if we had made it to our 50th? Our 41st is coming up. When do you quit counting them? I still feel married to him.
So I guess that is why I keep looking for him or thinking of calling him or sending him pictures on the email.
When I say Chuck also like that or Chuck loved taking pictures of flowers or Chuck loved those flowers. People don't care so much. At least those that didn't know him so well. And a lot of folks just don't want to encourage my wallowing in self pity. But that is my favorite place to be sometimes.
So I am driving alone to some of the shrines that once were ours. Some too painful to go to and some just too far. And there are things that I need to get done at home (not really home anymore)...
I have been able to share my copy of Chucks Memorial service with people and it has been good to be able to listen to it again. As painful as it all has been I need to share the last days before his going with others.
There are simple things that will throw me into days of depression. Fortunately I am with people that understand and let me alone or make me do things. I don't know what is the better thing to do. So this time nothing has worked. I was at a party last night. It was for these old people that were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. It was impossible for me to not get all teared up and I would get up and walk away or just try to think of other things so that I wasn't thinking about what if we had made it to our 50th? Our 41st is coming up. When do you quit counting them? I still feel married to him.
So I guess that is why I keep looking for him or thinking of calling him or sending him pictures on the email.
When I say Chuck also like that or Chuck loved taking pictures of flowers or Chuck loved those flowers. People don't care so much. At least those that didn't know him so well. And a lot of folks just don't want to encourage my wallowing in self pity. But that is my favorite place to be sometimes.
So I am driving alone to some of the shrines that once were ours. Some too painful to go to and some just too far. And there are things that I need to get done at home (not really home anymore)...
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Leave your cares and worry behind you
I left town on Friday and drove to sumter sc to visit friends. I stayed till Monday morning then drove up to NC to visit friends and Ramey. I will probably leave here headed to Virginia on Sunday morning. That will be the longest drive yet for me. It is really bothering my swollen knees. The pain is excruciating by the time I get where I am going. They swell so bad that I had to get shorts to wear because my jeans. Were so tight around my knees. I have nothing I could take for the pain.
It is very profoundly sad to be here. Chuck always wanted to come up when the mountaian laurel were in bloom. They are beautiful now. I took some pics of them today but Chuck won't see them. I still have a problem remembering he is gone for good. Oh, that is hard to see in print. He is never far from my thoughts. In fact, a more accurate saying would be he is never out of my thoughts. I still dont like to refer to him in the past tense.
I know what he would say and talk about in situations that I find myself. He was a wonderful man, husband and friend and I think father.
It is very profoundly sad to be here. Chuck always wanted to come up when the mountaian laurel were in bloom. They are beautiful now. I took some pics of them today but Chuck won't see them. I still have a problem remembering he is gone for good. Oh, that is hard to see in print. He is never far from my thoughts. In fact, a more accurate saying would be he is never out of my thoughts. I still dont like to refer to him in the past tense.
I know what he would say and talk about in situations that I find myself. He was a wonderful man, husband and friend and I think father.
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