Travels of jean alone

I have been on the road for a couple of weeks. It has been hard in many ways. No matter where I go Chuck isn't there waiting for me. I see the beautiful flowers in bloom. All the flowers he loved; the trillium and the mountain laurel, the jack in the pulpit and lady slippers. I saw the biggest natural display of lady slippers I've ever seen and I wanted to take a picture of it so I could send it to Chuck. Then I realized that he is seeing things that are so much more beautiful than anything here. How wonderful it must be!
I have been able to share my copy of Chucks Memorial service with people and it has been good to be able to listen to it again. As painful as it all has been I need to share the last days before his going with others.
There are simple things that will throw me into days of depression. Fortunately I am with people that understand and let me alone or make me do things. I don't know what is the better thing to do. So this time nothing has worked. I was at a party last night. It was for these old people that were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. It was impossible for me to not get all teared up and I would get up and walk away or just try to think of other things so that I wasn't thinking about what if we had made it to our 50th? Our 41st is coming up. When do you quit counting them? I still feel married to him.
So I guess that is why I keep looking for him or thinking of calling him or sending him pictures on the email.
When I say Chuck also like that or Chuck loved taking pictures of flowers or Chuck loved those flowers. People don't care so much. At least those that didn't know him so well. And a lot of folks just don't want to encourage my wallowing in self pity. But that is my favorite place to be sometimes.
So I am driving alone to some of the shrines that once were ours. Some too painful to go to and some just too far. And there are things that I need to get done at home (not really home anymore)...