Being a Widow

When someone dies the government keeps you busy with calls to be made and forms to fill out and people to see.  in my situation my husband has died.  He was the one that always took care of these thing when our parents died and never let on that there was anything to it.  I have faithful friends that are helping me through the  worse of it.  Thank God for His Church that is commanded to look out for widows and orphans. 
Each time you have to call or see someone for the first time after the death of your spouse is terrible.  Each time you have to say that "He is dead"   or "he died"  it sticks in you throat and tears start to flow.  You brace yourself for their reply.  It doesn't get easier;  at least not yet.
When i was in the hosptial the nurses knew i was a new widow but they were harsh and unsympathetic
to me and my pain.  I had one nurse that took the time to sit with me and let me tell her about Chuck.  I very much appriciated her doing that.  It helped me a great deal to be able to talk about him.  But i never knew when somone would come into my room and find me crying.  So i try to think other things to get my mind off my sorrows.  But it was so hard to do that.  When i was in the hospital before he got sick i would look forward to his coming.  He would give me a bath and wash my hair.  He was so gental and kind.

Please see today's entry posted by accident in travels of Chuck & Jean.

The Museum

I have been having trouble learning to use this iPad. I have also been in the hospital again.
I just haven,t been feeling good this last week, but at least I am home now.
Well, while in the hospital I had to make a decision about if I was going to actually purchase the ticket to Kiev. I did take the leap and purchased a one way ticket to go September 21. I will hook up w the Elsingers in Amsterdam and we will fly from there to Kiev together. I am looking for a place to stay.Things don't necessarily seem to be going the way I Thought it would, but I must go to find out if I can be of some use to the spreading of the gospel.
Now, my feelings about my new position in life. It doesn't take much to cause. Me to cry. Just seeing the "zoo".car that Chuck loved so well. The other day when Ramey came to get me and I first saw the car my heart skipped a beat, and I wwas so hoping that he was there to pick me up. When I found out about the damage done to Chucks brothers place up in TN, I immediately wanted to call Chuck and tell him.
I want to leave thsis house just the way it is as a museum of our lives together. I don't want to change anything.. Just sort of keep it for me to walk back into whenever I want to wallow in my loneliness.
It's late. I will try to go to sleep.

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans!

Guess where i am. If you said North Carolina, you would be way wrong. I am spending my 4th day in the hospital with bilateral pneumonia, having been admitted on Monday...my birthday. Today was a bad day. I slept all day. In the early morning I had another fever of 102.6. I hurt so bad. I finally went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning, I was so sleepy I could not keep my eyes open and my speech was slurred. They gave me so many drugs like last time. I woke at 5:30 this morning crying because I did not have Chuck. The nurse came in and sat with me and asked me to talk about my husband. She stayed until I stopped shivering. I felt bad about keeping her but she said she did not mind and would check in on me later.  She also told me the nurses like me, even though I did not think they do. It was so nice of her to sit with me. She even said she would like to have me again tonight. By the way, this post was ghost written by Debbie Jones, who took some liberties with my dictation!

Easter eve

The service today was wonderful! My friends Khon & Jay came.  They are our friends from Thiland.  Khon is a woodworker and he did the entertainment center that Chuck had planned to make but knew he couldn't.  Khon is a great woodworker and he and Chuck really had a lot to talk about.  They became friends immediately!  Then he brought his wife Jay over and we did ESOL together.  She is a nurse in Thiland and needs to learn the language in order to work as a nurse here.  Those of you from Eastside go by to visit her at the Sala Thi Resturant accross from Sams on Beach Blvd.  They say they will come back next Sunday.  I will be gone so make them feel at home if you see them!
The entire service today i kept thinking about what was going on in Heaven.  It must be wonderful.  There is no need for an Evangelical service in Heaven because we will all know the wonder of the resurrection when we get to heaven.  I hope and pray that Khon & Jay will be there!  During the service i was showing Khon the differerant referances and when we got to Gal 2:20 he just bent over the Bible and was reading it.  Someone give him a Bible next week.
I will be gone for a while so God bless you all and i will write along the way.

Don't cry

Today i had to do some bills that couldn't wait.  The hospital called and left a message that they had sent a second bill and it needed to be paid.  I know they will have to close down w/o my check of $168.  Maybe they will get it before they have to close the doors.  I'm also looking to buy a new computer as mine doesn't want to charge.  It has been to the Dorks twice now. 
I realized i would not need to be doing any of this if Chuck were here.  It just comes out of nowhere; that all off a sudden realization that you are alone.  Ramey is doing his best to help me.  It has nothing to do w that.  It's just a sudden shapeness and then you can't see clearly out of you teary eyes.  and you think to yourself  "Don't cry, don't cry.  Don't let them see you crying yet agan"
I went to the new doctor Tuesday.  It was the Nurse Practioner.  She said, "Oh yeah, I remember you.  You had to leave because your husband was sick last time."  I held my breath and braced myself for what i knew was coming.  "So how is he?"  I have to say out loud something i have only had to say a few times if at all, now!  "He died."  and i'm thinking "don't cry, don't cry"  ...  Now i look at what i just wrote and it is another first - to see it in writing. 
Well, i am going on an adventure tomorrow.

Wednesday April 13, 2011

I am finding the days a little hard to get through.  Life w/o Chuck has roadblocks all around.  When my mom died it was hard, but Chuck was here to comfort me.  He continued to do the things that he did and i could do what i normally did because i didn't live with my mom.  When the realization came to me that she was gone, i could always turn to Chuck and cry and he would put his big capable arms around me and i could bury my face in his chest and smell his smell and it was comforting to me.  Now there is no one to physically go to.  I need to learn to rely on God more and consentrate on feeling His mighty presence around me.