It could be that i need to see a therapist. I am depressed. I am angry that Chuck died and left me with a pile of papers i don't know what to do with. I miss my friend and companion so much it is unbearable. Every morning i wake up a look on the other side of the bed to see lf he's up yet or awake yet. Then i remember he is gone. He's never coming back. I can wish for him and cry for him every morning but it won't bring him back. I have fewer tears. I feel like sometimes i want to cry and i can't. Then i start crying when i have to tell people or i have to circle widow on the doctors forms. I feel anger when i see couples together or i hear about what they are doing. Just being a single omits me from groups now. I'm the odd one. I hate having to pay for my own meal.
I can't think about what we would be doing this year for our anniversery. Its 41 years tomorrow. Last year we were in the hospital and we knew that he would probably not make it to our 41st.
It's hard to go out by myself.
Chuck knew the real me and still loved me. I was comfortable w him. He loved me and his gentle way was calming to me. I don't have a champion anymore. Nobody to take up for me, or protect me or solve the big little problems. They were little when all i had to do was ask him to fix it, now they are big bec i can't do it and there is nobody to come to my aid.
I get energized when i think about going to Kiev. It is an exciting prospect. It will be fun and busy. I will be working so hard and then there will be oportunities to visit w my old friends again. Also chances to visit friends in Sochi, Russia. Just a 30hr train ride from Kiev. Then i can visit the Brown's in Prague. and friends in England. I was used to getting on w/o Chuck when i was in Russia or Ukraine so there won't be constant reminders of Chuck everywhere i go.
Well, there will ne changes on the way.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
What Faith is to me now
Faith. It is an idea that is hard to grasp at first. Then i got it and the heavy weight of everyday cares are lifted off my shoulders. Then a crisis occurs and i have to rethink what is it all about? I don't feel it. The pat answers that i used to give to others and the pat answers that others have given to me don't actually fit right now. What do i do about all these different feelings?
I used to tell people and have been told that i am not alone. I feel alone. God has His arms around you and He loves you. I don't feel them around me.
What do i know about God? I know that He never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Then God is the God i know Him to be when i was nearest to Him. When i was nearest to Him i felt Him near and felt His protection. I know that i cant feel His embrace and i cant hide my face in His chest and weep over the loss of my husband, but i know that He is near because He shows me He is near. Today in the car i almost hit another car. i don't know how i didnt hit it,but it was a signal from God to me that He is near.
It was as if He was saying, "Jean, see how My protection is still with you? You aren't going unnoticed in this time when you feel unnoticed. I am still the God that has taken you as my child and i care for you. You can never leave My presence. You are my child forever and there is nothing that you can do or think that is a surprise to Me. You can never do anything that will cause Me to move away from your side."
My friends may be surprised at my attitude at times and it may cause them to desert me, but what i know of God in the best of times is that He will never desert me. So if i have no friends on this earth, i have the King of the Universe as my friend and Father.
Keep the faith... remember the God you know Him to be in the good times; He is still that same God in the bad times. In the times when your spouse and best friend, the one that i looked to for help, he is gone. The people that declared to be my friends through out this difficult time have left me at the first sign of my raw, uncensored distress. I am sorry that they had to see me in the midst of my profound pain, but at least it showed me that none of us are perfected here on earth. We must forgive and move on. I ask for forgiveness and i forgive them.
Faith is the evidence of things not seen. I dont see God but i see the things He is doing for me.
In the mean time i continue to plan to go to Kiev in Sept. I feel a bit overwhelmed at all the things i need to get and then get them mailed so they will be there when i get there. I wait to have an address to mail my boxes. A lot has to happen before i can leave. But it is exciting, because Chuck has known that this was something that i really have wanted to do since 1994. He gave me his blessing to do it and i know that this is something that God wants me to do. It is in His plan for my life.
I used to tell people and have been told that i am not alone. I feel alone. God has His arms around you and He loves you. I don't feel them around me.
What do i know about God? I know that He never changes. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Then God is the God i know Him to be when i was nearest to Him. When i was nearest to Him i felt Him near and felt His protection. I know that i cant feel His embrace and i cant hide my face in His chest and weep over the loss of my husband, but i know that He is near because He shows me He is near. Today in the car i almost hit another car. i don't know how i didnt hit it,but it was a signal from God to me that He is near.
It was as if He was saying, "Jean, see how My protection is still with you? You aren't going unnoticed in this time when you feel unnoticed. I am still the God that has taken you as my child and i care for you. You can never leave My presence. You are my child forever and there is nothing that you can do or think that is a surprise to Me. You can never do anything that will cause Me to move away from your side."
My friends may be surprised at my attitude at times and it may cause them to desert me, but what i know of God in the best of times is that He will never desert me. So if i have no friends on this earth, i have the King of the Universe as my friend and Father.
Keep the faith... remember the God you know Him to be in the good times; He is still that same God in the bad times. In the times when your spouse and best friend, the one that i looked to for help, he is gone. The people that declared to be my friends through out this difficult time have left me at the first sign of my raw, uncensored distress. I am sorry that they had to see me in the midst of my profound pain, but at least it showed me that none of us are perfected here on earth. We must forgive and move on. I ask for forgiveness and i forgive them.
Faith is the evidence of things not seen. I dont see God but i see the things He is doing for me.
In the mean time i continue to plan to go to Kiev in Sept. I feel a bit overwhelmed at all the things i need to get and then get them mailed so they will be there when i get there. I wait to have an address to mail my boxes. A lot has to happen before i can leave. But it is exciting, because Chuck has known that this was something that i really have wanted to do since 1994. He gave me his blessing to do it and i know that this is something that God wants me to do. It is in His plan for my life.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Blessed be the name of the Lord
The last week has been difficult! In part to something that happened that hurt so deeply i can't talk about it. But i got home late last Weddnesday, i think. The days run togther like raindrops on a window paine. Since i've been home i have spoken to 3 people. My good friend Debbie listened to me cry on the phone. She just listened. Then she came over and brought supper and we watched movies and then we did something i can't commit to print! (not really as bad as it sounds) Our friends the cabinetmaker and his wife came by for a visit today. They brought some exotic fruit i had never had. It were good. And Khan patched a hole in the wall for me. They are good friends.
I've been wandering through the house seeing things that have memories and crying. My Chuck Museum. I haven't felt like reading Gods Word or praying. I couldn't sleep last night for the pain and i pleaded w God to speak to me. I got out my 31 Days of Praise book and read and prayed for myself. God please speak to me! Then my phone signaled that i had a text message. It was from someone that moved away. This distant friend sent me words of encouragement. How did they know i was at my most desperate time?
I had been feeling alone and abandoned by everyone. I am still lost when it comes to what to do with the bills and the tax Return still needs doing. I did a few calls today and got a few things done.
I said i would write about my plans (Gods plan) to spend 6 or so months in Kiev, Ukraine. I leave Sept 21 and will meet up with our missionaries, The Elsingers< in Amsterdam, the we will go together to Kiev. I will be working with a Parish Nurse from the EFCA (Evangelical Free Church of America). Her name is Pam. It will be a busy time but it will be rewarding. It will help me get my mind off Chuck. When i was there he wasn't, so i want be looking for him or asking his help, because i didn't when i was there before. He knows that was my plan when he died and he was ok with it.
My main prayer request is that i will be there to gloryify God in all that i do. I need prayer that i will develope my relationship with Him the way it once was. I also need prayer for my health. That i will be able to keep up the pace. God has done that for me before. I claim 2 Cor 12:8-11. His grace is sufficent for me because His power is made perfect in my weakness.
I've been wandering through the house seeing things that have memories and crying. My Chuck Museum. I haven't felt like reading Gods Word or praying. I couldn't sleep last night for the pain and i pleaded w God to speak to me. I got out my 31 Days of Praise book and read and prayed for myself. God please speak to me! Then my phone signaled that i had a text message. It was from someone that moved away. This distant friend sent me words of encouragement. How did they know i was at my most desperate time?
I had been feeling alone and abandoned by everyone. I am still lost when it comes to what to do with the bills and the tax Return still needs doing. I did a few calls today and got a few things done.
I said i would write about my plans (Gods plan) to spend 6 or so months in Kiev, Ukraine. I leave Sept 21 and will meet up with our missionaries, The Elsingers< in Amsterdam, the we will go together to Kiev. I will be working with a Parish Nurse from the EFCA (Evangelical Free Church of America). Her name is Pam. It will be a busy time but it will be rewarding. It will help me get my mind off Chuck. When i was there he wasn't, so i want be looking for him or asking his help, because i didn't when i was there before. He knows that was my plan when he died and he was ok with it.
My main prayer request is that i will be there to gloryify God in all that i do. I need prayer that i will develope my relationship with Him the way it once was. I also need prayer for my health. That i will be able to keep up the pace. God has done that for me before. I claim 2 Cor 12:8-11. His grace is sufficent for me because His power is made perfect in my weakness.
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