Travels of jean alone

I have been on the road for a couple of weeks. It has been hard in many ways. No matter where I go Chuck isn't there waiting for me. I see the beautiful flowers in bloom. All the flowers he loved; the trillium and the mountain laurel, the jack in the pulpit and lady slippers. I saw the biggest natural display of lady slippers I've ever seen and I wanted to take a picture of it so I could send it to Chuck. Then I realized that he is seeing things that are so much more beautiful than anything here. How wonderful it must be!
I have been able to share my copy of Chucks Memorial service with people and it has been good to be able to listen to it again. As painful as it all has been I need to share the last days before his going with others.
There are simple things that will throw me into days of depression. Fortunately I am with people that understand and let me alone or make me do things. I don't know what is the better thing to do. So this time nothing has worked. I was at a party last night. It was for these old people that were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. It was impossible for me to not get all teared up and I would get up and walk away or just try to think of other things so that I wasn't thinking about what if we had made it to our 50th? Our 41st is coming up. When do you quit counting them? I still feel married to him.
So I guess that is why I keep looking for him or thinking of calling him or sending him pictures on the email.
When I say Chuck also like that or Chuck loved taking pictures of flowers or Chuck loved those flowers. People don't care so much. At least those that didn't know him so well. And a lot of folks just don't want to encourage my wallowing in self pity. But that is my favorite place to be sometimes.
So I am driving alone to some of the shrines that once were ours. Some too painful to go to and some just too far. And there are things that I need to get done at home (not really home anymore)...

Leave your cares and worry behind you

I left town on Friday and drove to sumter sc to visit friends. I stayed till Monday morning then drove up to NC to visit friends and Ramey. I will probably leave here headed to Virginia on Sunday morning. That will be the longest drive yet for me. It is really bothering my swollen knees. The pain is excruciating by the time I get where I am going. They swell so bad that I had to get shorts to wear because my jeans. Were so tight around my knees. I have nothing I could take for the pain.
It is very profoundly sad to be here. Chuck always wanted to come up when the mountaian laurel were in bloom. They are beautiful now. I took some pics of them today but Chuck won't see them. I still have a problem remembering he is gone for good. Oh, that is hard to see in print. He is never far from my thoughts. In fact, a more accurate saying would be he is never out of my thoughts. I still dont like to refer to him in the past tense.
I know what he would say and talk about in situations that I find myself. He was a wonderful man, husband and friend and I think father.

Being a Widow

When someone dies the government keeps you busy with calls to be made and forms to fill out and people to see.  in my situation my husband has died.  He was the one that always took care of these thing when our parents died and never let on that there was anything to it.  I have faithful friends that are helping me through the  worse of it.  Thank God for His Church that is commanded to look out for widows and orphans. 
Each time you have to call or see someone for the first time after the death of your spouse is terrible.  Each time you have to say that "He is dead"   or "he died"  it sticks in you throat and tears start to flow.  You brace yourself for their reply.  It doesn't get easier;  at least not yet.
When i was in the hosptial the nurses knew i was a new widow but they were harsh and unsympathetic
to me and my pain.  I had one nurse that took the time to sit with me and let me tell her about Chuck.  I very much appriciated her doing that.  It helped me a great deal to be able to talk about him.  But i never knew when somone would come into my room and find me crying.  So i try to think other things to get my mind off my sorrows.  But it was so hard to do that.  When i was in the hospital before he got sick i would look forward to his coming.  He would give me a bath and wash my hair.  He was so gental and kind.

Please see today's entry posted by accident in travels of Chuck & Jean.

The Museum

I have been having trouble learning to use this iPad. I have also been in the hospital again.
I just haven,t been feeling good this last week, but at least I am home now.
Well, while in the hospital I had to make a decision about if I was going to actually purchase the ticket to Kiev. I did take the leap and purchased a one way ticket to go September 21. I will hook up w the Elsingers in Amsterdam and we will fly from there to Kiev together. I am looking for a place to stay.Things don't necessarily seem to be going the way I Thought it would, but I must go to find out if I can be of some use to the spreading of the gospel.
Now, my feelings about my new position in life. It doesn't take much to cause. Me to cry. Just seeing the "zoo".car that Chuck loved so well. The other day when Ramey came to get me and I first saw the car my heart skipped a beat, and I wwas so hoping that he was there to pick me up. When I found out about the damage done to Chucks brothers place up in TN, I immediately wanted to call Chuck and tell him.
I want to leave thsis house just the way it is as a museum of our lives together. I don't want to change anything.. Just sort of keep it for me to walk back into whenever I want to wallow in my loneliness.
It's late. I will try to go to sleep.